So I'm thinking that we need a generic, universal greeting that fits every occasion. A greeting that will always be appropriate, and will offend absolutely everybody.
And here it is.
You pronounce it "eh - TAU - een SHURE -di - LOO."
Make this an essential saying in your arsenal of festive greetings. No more "Merry Christmas," "Yuletide Blessings," "May Baal Be Satisfied By Your Offering Of Virgin's Blood," "Commiserations On Your Loss." Just utter the one-size-fits-all ETAOIN SHRDLU and that is all you'll ever need to say. Instant blessings delivered, whatever the occasion, and it automatically lets you off the hook for having to know the right thing to say to appear civil in public.
You don't have to thank me.